I am one of those weird people who like talking to strangers. As Alta Journal’s special projects director, it’s basically my job. So I was excited to check out “The Friendship Project: A New Way to Make Connections” organized by Filoli, the historic house and gardens in Woodside. Pitched as “a new initiative designed to make meeting people feel a little more natural,” this self-described “activation” runs through September 3. It’s all part of Filoli Historic House and Garden’s popular Summer Nights, an annual series where the venue is open late to the public, complete with live jazz music and food trucks. Filoli’s goal, in addition to attracting new guests, is to encourage “Friendship Project” attendees to break out of their comfort zones and engage with new people. The programming includes a bracelet-making station and a question-card activity so that guests can get a conversation going.
I was game. A few hours before the event, I donned a modern trapeze dress and a cardigan of confidence, ready to make a new best friend.
This article was featured in Alta’s weekly newsletter
SUBSCRIBE
Located 30 miles south of San Francisco, the Filoli estate was built as a private home in 1917. It is essentially a stunning 54,000-plus-square-foot Georgian revival mansion, surrounded by manicured gardens, orchards, ponds, and a whopping 654 acres of prime California land. The grounds and mansion opened to the public in the 1970s and have since been a desirable location for film shoots (The Game, anyone?) and weddings. My late-afternoon drive through the main gates to the parking lot included sightings of deer, hawks, and romantic picnics.
Upon check-in, Summer Nights attendees are asked if they’d like to wear a neon green happy face sticker, which would indicate a willingness to engage in conversation with other guests in “The Friendship Project.” The three couples in line for tickets ahead of me listened to the sticker pitch from the extremely positive woman at the check-in kiosk. She was suggesting they just throw on a happy face and see what happens. Each of the ticket buyers politely listened, growing increasingly terrified, and declined the sticker. Uh-oh.
Butterflies (not the ones from the estate’s 16-acre English Renaissance garden) filled my stomach as I accepted a green sticker, a slight chink in the armor of my confidence cardigan. As the music from the jazz band swelled from the patio, I made my way toward the swarm of people lounging on the grass around the swimming pool.
Immediately, I was on the hunt for green stickers but was coming up empty—save for several children running through the grass who’d likely just wanted a free sticker, as opposed to a new fortysomething friend.
The idea for “The Friendship Project” came in response to what several studies, including those by the Harvard Graduate School of Education and the previous United States surgeon general, have called a loneliness epidemic. According to Filoli’s website, these surveys found that remote-work schedules were cited by around 50 percent of respondents as a driver of loneliness. Three-quarters of respondents said they wanted more fun community events and activities where they live.
Filoli won’t solve the loneliness epidemic on its own, but it’s a charming start.
As a parent who works from home, I’ll admit that it absolutely can be hard to make friends. My go-to seems to be to befriend the parents of my child’s friends, but those relationships can often lean on our kids’ connections. A work-related hour-and-a-half schlep down to the Peninsula from my neck of the woods seemed like a chance to try something new.
I strolled past couples on dates, collections of families trying to corral little ones, and young women posing for what appeared to be very specific Instagram photo shoots. Undeterred, I was ready to connect.
Near the friendship bracelet–making station, a shock of neon green caught my eye. “Excuse me,” I said. “You’re wearing the happy face sticker. Are you…open to chatting?”
Indeed he was. Thirty-year-old Agustin Maki of Palo Alto had never had an issue making friends. “I’m a talker,” he said. “I, like, can’t not find people.”
Maki had a friend in tow (naturally) but was happy to offer his thoughts on Filoli’s friendship initiative. Pals with one of the musicians performing by the pool, Maki agreed to wear a sticker, despite the fact that he hasn’t struggled to find connections—apparently ever. When asked to participate upon entry, he agreed. “Yeah, I’ll put on the green thing. I’m open to talk.”
Small talk between me and Maki ensued: “Isn’t Filoli special…what a beautiful evening…nice to meet you.”
I noticed another young man wearing a green sticker and taking photos—another new friend? When 32-year-old San Franciscan Chris Tran was offered the sticker, he realized the concept immediately. “Oh, this is consent to socialize,” he recalled thinking. When Tran moved to S.F. from Southern California, he’d found it a challenge to find friends in his new city. “I didn’t realize that it is difficult to make friends in our thirtysomething age group because most people are focused on work,” he told me.
Next, I met Jayrita and Aaron of Redwood City, who declined to give their last names. They appreciated Filoli’s efforts to encourage new friendships. “I think it’s hard to connect with people,” said Aaron. “There aren’t that many spaces crafted for it. I spend a lot of time looking for community.”
The pair agreed that the project was a nice idea. “No one’s looking for a job,” said Aaron. “No one’s looking to get anything out of you.”
“And,” added Jayrita, “you can opt out of it.”
As the sun set on Woodside, I made my way toward the mansion and sat on a bench to jot down some notes. Beside me was Mark Freels of Half Moon Bay. He was not wearing a neon green happy face sticker, but we started a conversation anyway. I asked for his thoughts on the so-called loneliness epidemic. After thinking it over for a couple beats, he said, “We have to be more engaging with people around us.”
I pulled the conversation card, another “Friendship Project” activity, from my pocket. I posed it to Freels: “What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever received?”
“Slow down and enjoy life,” he replied. “Find yourself, love yourself. How can you love someone else if you can’t love yourself?”
I put my notebook back in my purse and began to talk to Freels—not just chat but really talk. I heard about his life’s journey (“As my son has said, my life could be four movies!”) and shared part of my own story. Before we knew it, 8 p.m. had rolled around and Filoli staff were ushering the lingering crowd toward the exit gates. Freels and I shook hands. A connection, not a best friendship but a genuine connection, was forged—without a neon green sticker.•
Beth Spotswood is Alta's special projects director. In addition to her work for Alta, Spotswood has contributed to 7x7 Magazine, San Francisco Magazine, Discovery Channel, Slow News Day, KGO Radio, SFist and the San Francisco Chronicle, where she had her own weekly column in the Thursday edition of the newspaper. Spotswood's work in Alta has been recognized by the San Francisco Press Club, Los Angeles Press Club, and the FOLIO Awards.
