Life in California is full of vexing questions. Why can’t you make a left turn practically anywhere in San Francisco? Why do celebrities get their own section of LAX? And if Sacramento’s so great, why is it so affordable?
Alta Journal has enlisted two experts to answer all of your questions: Stacey Grenrock Woods and Gustavo Arellano, both of whom bring decades of hard-won knowledge and laser-sharp insights into the Golden State.
Have a question of your own? Ask a Californian!
Have you seen that new Volkswagen commercial with “The Californians”? In it, Fred Armisen’s character says he “took the 10 to the PCH.” Everyone knows we don’t say “the” PCH! What are some other faux pas people should avoid if they want to sound like actual Californians? And what are some things they should say?
—I Bought It at Versayce
Gustavo: The biggest—and I mean biggest—spoken sin an outsider can commit in California is to call a neighborhood store a “bodega.” In New York, sure. But in California Spanish, “bodega” refers to a warehouse. Anyone who calls a corner market a “bodega” in our Golden State deserves to be strapped to a chair and forced to watch the fifth inning of Game 5 of last year’s World Series between the Yankees and the Dodgers with their eyes pulled back à la A Clockwork Orange. As for what outsiders should say to fit in? How about, “Alta Journal is the finest publication in the world and makes the New Yorker seem as hip as Highlights”? That’s as Californian a move as buying a convertible and simultaneously swooning and swearing about Gavin.
Stacey: By “The Californians,” don’t you mean Gustavo and me? Since we’d never sell out to the Man (unless he gave us each our own trailer), I’ll assume you’re referring to the marginally more famous and equally funny SNL Californians, who repeatedly capture the essence of the Golden State as well as any midwesterners and New Yorkers could hope to.
I haven’t seen the commercial, but besides clanging like a bad note from a clogged abalone wind chime, that misplaced “the” before “PCH” is concealing a further blunder. Telling someone to take the 101 to PCH is like telling them to take the Long Island Expressway to the New Jersey Turnpike. But here’s all anyone has to know: Use the “the” in front of Southern Californian but not Northern Californian freeways, which you must always call “freeways,” no matter what they actually are. Additionally, never say “SoCal” or “NorCal,” and please, no matter what, don’t ever say “Cali.” Don’t even sing that song “Going Back to Cali.” If you want to sound like a native, pronounce “Wilshire” correctly (“wil-shur,” not “wil-shire”—it’s not in middle-earth), “Los Feliz” incorrectly (“los fē-liz,” not “los fe-lēz”), never go to the beach, never mention how long you’ve lived here, and, if you must speak, confine your comments to the news that you’ve just found a Trader Joe’s with a normal parking lot. That should make you some friends too.
I used to be a Kentucky 10, but now I’m a California 3. How do I deal with the sudden downgrade to my hotness now that I live in a state full of beautiful people?
—Southern Charmless
Gustavo: As a bona fide certified Kentucky colonel, let me start by informing your fellow Californians—and reassuring your bluegrass heart—that a Kentucky 1 is a Tennessee 11 and an Indiana 36. So I’m sure you’re just as beautiful as Louisville queen Jennifer Lawrence, who’s a 10 anywhere in this galaxy. Which prompts the question: Who told you you’re a California 3? Some siliconed Newport Coast ninny? An Okie hussy from Oildale? A loser Chad five Modelos in stumbling around Solana Beach? Nancy Pelosi holding Mitch McConnell against you? (Please don’t let it be Nancy Pelosi.) Brian Wilson and Katy Perry had it right when they sang that California girls are the most gorgeous, and you are now one by merely living here. Just make sure not to live in Whittier, where they say the girls are prettier but the 10s are really just a bunch of Pico Rivera 6s.
Stacey: A 10 to a 3? I had no idea the exchange rate was that bad. No wonder everyone’s moving away.
Charmless, I’m not going to tell you that beauty is only eye-deep, or in the skin of the beholder, or whatever it is people say. Nor am I going to tell you that looks don’t matter. Good-looking people make more money and have better lives—it’s true; they proved it in a lab. Yes, as much as I hate to admit it, our mothers were probably right when they said that the best way to judge a book is by its cover, which is all you should ever look at because reading and thinking too hard give you wrinkles.
The best thing you can do to become more attractive in everyone’s eyes is to stop asking questions like this. The competition isn’t fair—even in Kentucky—so don’t compare yourself to anyone, especially people who’ve been injecting themselves with Botox and fillers since childhood and Facetuning themselves silly to compete with humanoid robots and AI. The quest to out-pretty everyone is pretty ugly, so don’t even start. And if that gets you down, just remember two things: We’re all shriveling and dying, and everyone’s too focused on themselves to care what you look like anyway!
Why is there no enforcement of the law requiring motor vehicles to display their front license plates? This could be easily enforced and would provide much-needed funds for law enforcement or road repairs, etc.
—Concerned Citizen
Gustavo: Um, do you want to be pulled over every time you go a mile over the speed limit? For your car freshener hanging off the rearview mirror? For using unsterilized underwear as a wipe rag in San Francisco? All those ticky-tacky offenses are illegal and subject to fines. Not showing your license plate on the front of your car is an infraction in the grander scheme of life somewhere between not moving your parked car every 72 hours and rooting for the Los Angeles Rams. Is California that hard up for cash that we need our cops to enforce every little law? Actually, don’t answer that.
Stacey: Are you sure there’s no enforcement of that law? My friends down at Precinct 13 assure me every time I call that they’re totally on it.
I couldn’t agree with you more: It would bring in much-needed funds to fix the much-terrible roads, but I suspect that if cops aren’t enforcing it, it’s because they’ve got their hands full not enforcing other, more important laws, like the Don’t Get High on the Street law, or the Don’t Text the Entire Time You’re Driving law, or the Don’t Text While Driving High law, or even Los Angeles Municipal Code 57.55. 01(A), which prohibits the setting off of fireworks in front of my house every single weekend from May to January and for 36 straight hours before, during, and after July 4. They’re definitely busy not enforcing that one.
Most likely, people aren’t cited for the Put Your Front License Plates On law more often because most of the cars without front license plates don’t seem like cars of concern when viewed from the rearview mirror of a squad car. A tough teen in a T-Bird with a pack of cigarettes rolled in his sleeve will probably get pulled over and cited for it, but a nice middle-aged person who just wants to talk to some officers about ways we can all work together to improve the community probably won’t. But let’s do a little experiment: Take your front plate off and report back.
Next question? advice@altaonline.com•
Gustavo Arellano is the author of Orange County: A Personal History and Taco USA: How Mexican Food Conquered America. In 2025, Arellano was named a Pulitzer Prize finalist for his work as a columnist for the Los Angeles Times. He was formerly editor of OC Weekly, an alternative newspaper in Orange County, California, and penned the award-winning ¡Ask a Mexican!, a nationally syndicated column in which he answered any and all questions about America’s spiciest and largest minority. Arellano is the recipient of awards ranging from the Association of Alternative Newsweeklies Best Columnist to the Los Angeles Press Club President’s Award to an Impact Award from the National Hispanic Media Coalition, and he was recognized by the California Latino Legislative Caucus with a 2008 Spirit Award for his “exceptional vision, creativity, and work ethic.” Arellano is a lifelong resident of Orange County and is the proud son of two Mexican immigrants, one of whom came to this country in the trunk of a Chevy.
Stacey Grenrock Woods is a regular contributor to Esquire and a former correspondent for The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. She writes and consults on various TV shows, and has a recurring role as Tricia Thoon on Fox’s Arrested Development. Her first book is I, California.
