My husband and I seriously considered naming our son California but didn’t. And though I love his name, I sometimes regret not doing this. Did I make the right decision?
—WHAT'S IN A NAME?
Stacey: If you were going for an unexotic, beat-my-son-up-after-school-for-other-reasons name, California is too weird. It’s a weird name. You know it is. Plus, not that anyone cares, but notice that a at the end? It’s feminine. To remain linguistically in step, you’d have had to name him Californio, which is fun to say, especially when punching someone after school.
Gustavo: You know what would’ve been a cool compromise? Cali. Could’ve told everyone it was short for Saint Callistus or a longer version of Cal, or even the truth: that you wanted your son to inspire a thousand thought pieces about how No Real Californian calls the state Cali. So what did you end up naming your son—Lodi? Silver Lake? Telegraph Avenue? Gavin?
This column appears in Issue 33 of Alta Journal.
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The Menendez brothers have been in the news lately, but I’ve always found the Night Stalker a lot scarier. Who’s California’s most notorious criminal?
—SLEEPS WITH THE LIGHTS ON
Stacey: Ramirez is a strong candidate, but in the highly competitive field of California killers, you really have to stand out. Unfortunately, the Hillside Strangler is a victim of branding confusion: Technically, they’re the Hillside Stranglers, since there were two of them, but the new name’s never really caught on, so they’re disqualified. (A good nickname is key.) Charles Manson could have been a contender, but Manson loses points for making his underlings do his dirty work. Plus, no nickname. No, California’s—and perhaps the world’s—most notorious criminal has to be the Zodiac killer. He had (has?) it all: great penmanship; the executioner’s hood, which, while a little on the nose, nonetheless really says “serial killer”; and the ciphers were a nice touch.
Gustavo: “Most notorious criminal,” like all things Californian, is subjective to where one lives. So let me unite California in hatred and fear of our universal scofflaw: the San Andreas Fault, which just sits there all fault-y waiting to bip us like the giant fragile windshield we are.
If you could choose, what would be California’s official state meal?
—FEELING FAMISHED
Stacey: I’m inclined to say Chinese chicken salad, specifically the one from Chin Chin. Legend has it that the dish was invented by Madame Wu at Madame Wu’s Garden in Santa Monica, possibly in the ’60s, to appease a hungry Cary Grant. I don’t know if that’s true, but I do like to imagine him asking for a “tangy salad with some of those puffy noodles.” Later, in 1983, both Wolfgang Puck’s and Chin Chin’s versions came on the scene, but—likely because of the chain’s strategic Sunset Plaza and Studio City placements—Chin Chin’s was the one that spread to the masses (if you consider, as I do, the Hiltons and the Kardashians the masses). It’s barely Chinese and barely a salad. It’s saucy and loud and misrepresenting itself a little bit. In other words, it’s quintessentially Californian.
Gustavo: Not In-N-Out, which is overrated. Tacos are too easy a choice, as is a dish from any of our celebrity chefs, whether Alice Waters, the aforementioned Puck, or Jack I. Box. Can’t pick something popular in San Francisco or Los Angeles because San Diego will throw a fit and the Central Valley will feel left behind yet again. So how about a Hangtown fry? The gold rush–era omelet with oysters and bacon in its original version is a big, ostentatious mess—just like California!•
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Gustavo Arellano is the author of Orange County: A Personal History and Taco USA: How Mexican Food Conquered America. In 2025, Arellano was named a Pulitzer Prize finalist for his work as a columnist for the Los Angeles Times. He was formerly editor of OC Weekly, an alternative newspaper in Orange County, California, and penned the award-winning ¡Ask a Mexican!, a nationally syndicated column in which he answered any and all questions about America’s spiciest and largest minority. Arellano is the recipient of awards ranging from the Association of Alternative Newsweeklies Best Columnist to the Los Angeles Press Club President’s Award to an Impact Award from the National Hispanic Media Coalition, and he was recognized by the California Latino Legislative Caucus with a 2008 Spirit Award for his “exceptional vision, creativity, and work ethic.” Arellano is a lifelong resident of Orange County and is the proud son of two Mexican immigrants, one of whom came to this country in the trunk of a Chevy.
Stacey Grenrock Woods is a regular contributor to Esquire and a former correspondent for The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. She writes and consults on various TV shows, and has a recurring role as Tricia Thoon on Fox’s Arrested Development. Her first book is I, California.
